A December to Remember
“The secret
things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to
our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law.” Deuteronomy
29:29. There are many things in this
life that we do not and cannot even begin to comprehend. Such is the case with December 2010 for my
family and me. The Friday after
Thanksgiving I started a heavy dose of prednisone, an antifungal, and
antibiotics to combat a fungus in my lungs.
I was on my typical regiment of inhalers and other things that go along
with dealing with a chronic lung disease.
I had taken Prednisone and Levaquin numerous times before, although I
had never been on this high of a dose for such a long time. I had heard that Prednisone was a nasty drug,
but having only been on it for a week at a time, I hadn’t experienced the side
effects that others had endured.
Thankfully,
I very rarely have to deal with any side effects from drugs at all, which is a
blessing because I depend so heavily on them at times. God knows what He is doing when He creates
each one of us—He knows the life He will call us to and equips us to bring Him
honor and glory in all that we do. As a
“small” example, I have a very high pain tolerance which is a blessing when I’ve
had over 26 surgeries and who knows how many other medical tests over the
years. Small details like these can
often go unnoticed in our lives until we begin to recount all the details and
see the design and “coincidences” that pop up all over the place. Some people attribute such instances as luck
or random chance, but as I’ve lived my life it is an awesome thing to look back
and see the hand of God guiding, directing, protecting, and providing in so
many ways. He truly is a God who “does
exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:20-21)
December
2010 is a month my family would love to forget, but likely will never be able
to. I experienced a very rare but
serious side effect of steroids—steroid induced psychosis. The story is long and complicated and if you
know me well at all you know I don’t really know how to tell the “short
version”. As my husband fondly says,
“Rachelle knows how to make a short story long.” On top of that, Jesus Christ is my Lord and
Savior, my protector and provider, and my favorite topic of conversation. When I start to talk (or write) about Christ,
I get excited and speed up and the story gets even longer. Then you add steroids into the mix—and well
you get the picture. It is now almost the
end of February (2011) and I have been praying about what to write since I started to
come back out of being crazy. I could
write pages and pages and maybe one day that will come to pass, but for now I’m
praying that I can demonstrate God’s faithfulness, protection, and provision
through the things that I remember from December.
In the weeks leading up to December we had been living
with Jordan’s parents, Bill and Cathy, because we were painting the inside of
our house to prep it for sale. With my
lung disease I couldn’t be in the paint fumes, so we had been at their house
for a couple weeks before I started the Prednisone. We have a great relationship and knowing we
would soon be moving to Chandler for Jordan’s new job made the time spent
together all the more sweet. I remember
telling my close friends that it had
been such a sweet time with them and the Lord and Jord and I’s relationship was in a super
sweet spot and although life is never perfect, I just remember that “peace that
passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) was guarding my heart and girding
me up. I have struggled with infertility
for the last 4 years and I was even at a place of contentment with that heart
struggle. I wrote at the end of the
Christmas letter that never got mailed “It has also been another year of
learning deeper lessons in contentment, as we are now in the “baby season”—many
of our friends have welcomed or will be welcoming precious little bundles into
this world for which we greatly rejoice!
By His grace, we have been able to continue to trust in our Father’s
loving plan for our lives, knowing that His ways are higher than ours, and His
plan for our lives is simply the best.”
I remember telling Jordan driving back to the house from church one
afternoon, “It’s just been a sweet time and I am so content and trusting Him
and excited for what He has for our future.” In typical Jordan fashion he
replied, “It’s the calm before the storm.”
I exclaimed, “Don’t say that!” I
knew he was right, but I was enjoying the peaceful time even though I was
pretty sick at that point.
The
steroids reduce your immune system and having a weakened one already, I caught
a cold and my doctor added another inhaled antibiotic to avoid hospitalizing me
for IV antibiotics. I had just been in the
hospital for two weeks in October and I was doing everything I could to avoid
that again so soon. I had also started
throwing up in the morning on a pretty regular basis, but since all of the meds
I was on could cause an upset stomach I didn’t think much of it. Then other pregnancy like symptoms began
appearing—the ones I’ve researched and imagined in my head a million times
over. I have a friend that has horrible
pregnancies and gets every side effect so I was picking her brain and was
starting to suspect something might be going on, but didn’t want to get my
hopes up for the millionth time. I had
just told my sister the weekend before that I didn’t want a newborn because I
recognized God’s wisdom in not giving us our own children with my health—infants
take a lot of work and when I don’t get sleep I get sick very easily. However, I knew everyone would be ecstatic
and God would provide the strength and grace and help from family and friends
should I be pregnant. Jordan cautioned
me a million times over not wanting to see me hurt again. I kept trying to tell him I was content if
the answer was no, but my body was telling me otherwise—it was doing lots of
things that I had never experienced before, but I had also never been on this
high a dose of prednisone before and with how swollen my face was and no
positive pregnancy test he was skeptical at best.
December
12th was my Dad’s birthday and by that point I was beyond positive I
was pregnant—just really early and I REALLY wanted to tell my family. Jord asked me not to and even though I got
upset and didn’t understand at first, as soon as he said, “I don’t know why,
but every fiber in my being is saying don’t say anything. It’s not that I don’t believe or trust you…”
I knew God was leading him to protect me in some way. Having been married for six years and trying
to live out the Biblical roles in marriage I had had practice at submitting—and
seen God’s protection because I did. God
has given us husbands to protect us as we as women are so easily led astray by
our emotions. When you do your best to
live by God’s design as established in Scripture, albeit imperfectly, the
marriage goes a lot better! Jordan
wasn’t feeling well, so I went to my parent’s house by myself. I wasn’t feeling the best, but I’m pretty
used to that, and this time I thought it was for a really good reason so it was
a lot easier to handle. I made it
through the afternoon without saying anything to my family.
That
night I was up at 2 AM which had become quite normal as the “prednisone buzz”
wasn’t letting me sleep. I would go to
bed at 11 and get up at 5 and not take a nap.
Anyone who knows me knows I’m typically in bed by 9 and if I get up at 5
or 6 I usually need a nap or sleep in the next day so I don’t get sick. Tossing and turning in bed had been keeping
Jordan up, which made him sick, so I would take the laptop out to the kitchen
table, eat some food, read a book and play around on facebook or do some
research online or listen to a sermon on my newly acquired IPOD. At this point I had called two of my doctors
about the possibility of being pregnant, but still had no positive pregnancy
test. After doing some research, I
learned that sometimes if you are pregnant with twins you get the symptoms a
lot earlier, but don’t have a positive test because it’s still too early for
home tests to detect. Twins run very
heavily in my family so I figured this was probably the case. This was the morning of December 13th—when
even though my husband had specifically told me not to tell anyone until we had
a positive test I started telling people one by one. I tried to bake a batch of bread at 3 or 4 in
the morning while calling family in Chicago and Iowa (it was 6 there and they
would want to hear THIS news were my thoughts…). Needless to say that batch of bread didn’t
turn out very well. I called people here
at 5:30 in the morning and burst into Bill and Cathy’s room—then when Jordan
got upset with me I went into hysterics.
They could all see what I could not—I wasn’t acting like myself. After Jordan and I talked later that morning
I realized it and I normally would NEVER do something my husband specifically
asked me not to do—we have a great relationship and that is the norm for our
marriage. God used that episode to show
me that something was going on and although I didn’t know what it was exactly,
I needed my husband’s protection more than ever.
Later
that morning, we went to my gynecologist to get a doctor’s pregnancy test as
they are more sensitive. That test was
negative as well, but he wanted me to get an ultrasound done to check for cysts
and other things that could be causing the symptoms. I was nervous and scared and anxious and
super emotional—I was a wreck. At this
point we knew the Prednisone was affecting me, but we didn’t realize totally
what was going on. My brain was fixated
on being pregnant with twins and clinging to the thought of being “too early to
detect” so I was positive that the ultrasound was going to show something. Another option I thought was possible was
that we had conceived but that the prednisone had caused or was in the process
of causing a miscarriage. Jordan had to
stay out in the lobby and as I was in the back room waiting for the tech, I was
praying and crying and beseeching my God for help. Soft music was playing over the speakers and
the words that came over them were “Hallelujah, what a Savior”. It was Christmas time so they were playing
Christmas music--no other time of the year would I have been able to hear those
words over the speakers of a medical building.
He indeed hears and sees and cares!
We
had to wait for my doctor’s office to call us with the results and God gave me
a sustaining peace about that. Both our
cell phones died on the way home and normally I would have been concerned but
we just enjoyed the time together praying and trusting Him. That night I talked to my Aunt who “happens”
to be a neonatal nurse practitioner and knows pregnancy inside out and upside
down, but she also knew the effects of prednisone which I did not totally
understand or take into account. After
talking to her I truly believed I was going to miscarry—but I woke up in the
middle of the night thinking, “but I forgot about God and His power!” I didn’t want to make the same mistake I had
made earlier so I asked Jordan for permission before I did anything that
night. I wrote some things in my Bible
and then wrote a letter beseeching Christians everywhere to pray for Jord and I
and what I thought was surely our unborn babies. I knew there was a storm coming, but couldn’t
see clearly to know fully what it was. I
was slowly losing my mind. Here are
parts of the letter: “Pray for my sweet
husband who will be called to watch me suffer more than ever before. I believe
with all my heart God is answering my fervent prayer to ‘use this ransomed life
in any way you choose’ in a far greater way than I could have ever imagined
just like My God. But he is God, the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places
and through this trial that my heart is screaming to get out of and get to the
shore, My God is sustaining me and whispering “trust ME! I AM the Author of
this storm. You cannot see the shore for the great storm you are in. You do not
need to see anything but ME. I Am with You and all involved. I know every little
detail for I orchestrated it all. TRUST ME little one. I AM carrying you
through this storm. I will never leave you nor forsake you. The stars are in
the heavens but they only shine at night. The deeper I go into darkness, the
more I see YOUR radiant light….In the valley….the valley of vision. All my head
knowledge and things I KNOW about My God to be true I am learning in a much
deeper way through this suffering. He is God. I am not…….. Pray without ceasing
for us please. It is going to be a long road and I pray to those closest to us
to continually lift up my dear husband – my precious gift and priceless
treasure from God. He trusts Him. But he hurts and aches and weeps when I hurt
and that hurts me. We need all the love and prayer and support like we’ve never
needed it before. Christian, I know you will answer. Because I know My God….My
God is a big God and he is on deck and in control. I am content, trusting,
sweet dependence on the Lord resting in awe and wonder in His everlasting arms.
PRAY LIKE YOU’VE NEVER PRAYED BEFORE!”
I
was crying when I wrote parts of that and I still cry every time I read it
thinking about the love with which Jordan loves me—and how hard it is for him
to watch me go through all my health trials.
He truly is a gift from God! Little
did I know what had already started but would get much worse before it was all
said and done—the most severe trial we’ve been through yet. (To be continued...) :)
This was at the very beginning...I had the "puffy prednisone face"
and wasn't sleeping well, but still sleeping some at this point. :)
This was the beginning of the nightmare for Jordan and
the rest of my family and friends. At one point, the only thing that
could calm me down, was to listen to music on my IPOD laying
between Jordan and Crash, my black lab in this picture.
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